NOW WE CAN MAKE MONEY!!!!

So its been a while since i've posted anything on this blog, but recently i watched a movie that could convince a trapeze artist to amputate a leg at the knee, if watching movies could motivate trapeze artists to do such a thing.

Anyway, the movie is "Ninja masters of Death". there are literally so many great things about this flick i hardly know where to start. First lets look at the synopsis on the back of the box:

"A secret mission - codenamed "Project Daredevil" - is planned by the notorious black ninja gang. Acts of terrorism are performed to infiltrate the government's headquarters and hold its members hostage. The National Guard is helpless against the enemy. Their only hope is for the White Ninja to overcome the evil which has plagued the city."

Now if you're like me, that sounds pretty frickin sweet. and it only gets sweeter. I'm expecting to see ninjas engage in riveting battles throughout a ravaged city in an epic battle of good v. evil, with the white ninja (despite his inherent disadvantage in the camo department, being white and all) prevailing over the evil black ninja. I guess all i can do is make a list, otherwise i'd write for pages:

1. The 'white ninja' is actually the purple ninja gang.
2. The 'black ninja gang' is actually the yellow ninja gang.
3. The movie takes place nowhere near a city; in fact, most of it is in the jungle.
4. There are no 'government headquarters' in the movie, nor is anyone taken hostage. again, we're in the jungle.
5. There are no motorcycles in the movie. just on the cover. i was disappointed by this.
6. The 90 minute movie contains approx. 13 minutes of ninja action. the rest of the movie is about an army commander that kidnaps a peasant kid and essentially adopts him.

The only reason to believe that the synopsis was actually written for this movie was the 'Project Daredevil' reference. 'Project Daredevil' does in fact enter into the plot of the movie, but only by name. we're never really told what this sinister plan is meant to accomplish, only that its mastermind looks like a skinny(er) version of kevin bacon in the 80's.

The 'daredevil' mastermind is american. luckily, americans speak english. But, thanks to God and civil engineers, the Japanese generally don't. So, Ninja masters of Death originally had japanese dubbed over the english parts. then they re-dubbed everything back to english for the american version. all adding up to some sweet translations.


There's also a romantic sub-plot. Alfonso (not kidding. thats the name they came up with for the Japanese commander) falls in love with Susie (again, blatantly asian), and together they enjoy each other and taking care of Jimmy (the peasant kid). Now Alfonso has to go back to battle. he looks deeply into her eyes, moves his lips, and we hear, "Susie, i have to go back to battle". Shaken, with tears building in her eyes, she says, "but why?! why!??" He solemnly looks away, somewhat downcast, and replies, "its ninjas". Like any sane woman would, she accepts this answer as legitimate.

The one thing that ties the story together (kind of) is Jimmy. When he was a baby, the yellow ninja gang killed his father, who objected to the direction that the yellow ninja's were taking when his fearless leader declared, with fists upraised, 'NOW WE CAN MAKE SOME MONEY!!!" He wisely realized that this was contrary to the ninja code, and left the yellow ninja gang. His name was 'number 3'. So the yellow ninja gang goes after him, and, in my humble opinion, number three should've been named 'number 1', b/c he kicks some serious ninja tail. i won't go into details, but him and his wife end up getting creamed, and somehow baby Jimmy lives and becomes an effective peasant motivational speaker at the tender age of 8. (i promise i'm not making this up) So, in the end the yellow ninja gang suddenly decides they need to take revenge on Jimmy for his father's treachery (nevermind the fact that they've already killed Jimmys parents and made him an orphan/peasant). The purple ninja gang, led by a white guy that looks a lot like John Cusack, decides to protect Jimmy.
In the thrilling ninja conclusion (the last 6:23 of the movie), the ninja gangs square off. For literally three minutes, the action consists of the camera cutting to some trees/brush/grass, a powder bomb going off, and 3-7 ninjas jumping out from everywhere, and writhing on the ground. For three minutes. I think they killed off at least 50 ninjas. so then its just the bosses, THE yellow ninja vs. John Cusack, dressed as a purple ninja (who has used a safety pin prominently displayed just under his chin to hold the purple rag on his head). They start fighting. no one gains any ground. the yellow ninja produces a sai. this sai is also a flame thrower. purple ninja summons his ancestral ability to use his chi as a huge fire extinguisher. (convienent, i know) Yellow, realizing his predicament, freezes, wide eyed, then produces some throwing stars and chucks them and Johnny C. This doesn't faze our champion, who from nowhere (!!) produces a set of nunchucks. that also shoot roman candles.

he starts shooting candles at yellow. Here's the progression of screen shots:
1. produces nunchucks, shoots at yellow.
2. Yellow drops sai, looks stunned.
3. back to purple, keeps shooting roman candles.
4. to yellow. somehow two candles have attached themselves to his feet and he flies through the air.
5. to purple. keeps shooting candles.
6. to yellow. candles are now lifting up his entire body and slamming up and down on the ground.
7. to purple. keeps shooting candles.
8. to yellow. now completely engulfed in flames, he flies through the air. i believe this scene inspired the burning eagle in the movie 'Elizabethtown'.
9. to purple. stops shooting candles.
10. Yellow is now a smoldering pile of shiny yellow cloth. truly a shame, and unfortunate waste.
11. Satisfied, purple solemly places the nunchucks in his belt, and nods his approval, along with audible grunt.





the end.