Welcome to sherwood (aka wild america)

So, i've recently come to terms with the fact that my home is in fact located in a wildlife refuge. I've got two skunks living in the lot kitty corner from my own, a racoon that lives down the street, a squirrel that insists on running back and forth on top of the fence in my back yard (every morning, religously), a robin that is infatuated with my long dead azalea (sorry Leslie), and most recently moles.

So, for those of you that have never seen the evidence of a resident mole, they make piles in your yard, shown at left. (as an interesting side note, i'd never seen a mole pile before, and assumed that my jerk of a neighbor was chucking excess soil over his fence into my yard for no apparent reason. he wasn't. it was moles.)

Anyway, i've decided that these moles must go. And go they will. Not in the ordinary cartoon way, where the mole packs all his stuff in a rag and hangs it on a stick over his shoulder, "further up and further in", onto the next adventure. no sir. these moles are going to go in the way that as the last breath leaves their still twitching bodies, they will look up and see the bottom half of their body that just got lopped of by the most sadistic of traps (for sale at wilco for $11.99). i bought 2. see below

seriously though, these traps are wicked. I like to think of myself as mechanically adept, but it took my around 10 minutes of fiddling in the hardware store (this is a situation where i refused to ask how to do it, half the fun of buying junk is figuring out how in the world it works). These mothers have this dual release mechanism that makes the trigger super sensitive. If and when mole traps become a cultural necessity sponsored by celebrities and sports stars, this thing is going to sell like hotcakes with a picture of Paris Hilton looking at her newly severd finger on the floor from the misuse of these things. genius. pure genius.



So, contray to popular belief (or at least my belief), moles are not dumb, nor are they easy to trap. Apparently the presense of steel trigger in their intricate underground tunnel network trips some danger flag in those stupid little heads of theirs. The little buggers have set off two of my traps, and i have yet to have the satisfaction of dragging their carcass from the ground. (Moles: 2 Brian: 0) In my research on the subject, i did come across the following diagram.

I'm not sure exactly what it means, but i'm pretty sure it gives me an unfair advantage in this battle. i mean, if you can't cheat, why play, right? right.

**Mild obscenities to follow**

So as i prepare to go kick ass kung fu ninja samuri on the little bastards,

**end of obscenity section**

i find myself anxious to get home to see if i've got one. and yet, here i sit, writing about the battle, when in fact i could go home and fight it.

and in case your wondering, i do like animals. just not moles. cats either, but i wouldn't trap one. and i don't feel guilty in the least venting my aggressions to the virtual world in somewhat explicit terms. Mole:


What i'm going to do to said mole -->







Hopefully you catch the meaning of my pictogram. goodbye mole.