Now i know how Amazon makes so much money

I got my standard half dozen junk emails this morning at work, and notice something a bit fishy with one of Amazon's advertised specials. Check it out:



At first glance, one thinks to onesself, 'Pumpkin Pie!', becuase, lets face it, you should have pumpkin pie on the brain this time of year.

Anyway, apparently Amazon was nice enough to offer me a once in a life time opportunity to buy a book after only a 17% markup of the list price. It's amazing they're able to stay in buisness w/ such deep discounts.

OK, so it's been a while.

i want to start doing this again. but i can't think about much to write about right now. but i would recommend watching the movie 'hot fuzz'. probably the funniest movie i've seen in a couple years.



Dream it. Live it. Booyah.

Sign

NOW WE CAN MAKE MONEY!!!!

So its been a while since i've posted anything on this blog, but recently i watched a movie that could convince a trapeze artist to amputate a leg at the knee, if watching movies could motivate trapeze artists to do such a thing.

Anyway, the movie is "Ninja masters of Death". there are literally so many great things about this flick i hardly know where to start. First lets look at the synopsis on the back of the box:

"A secret mission - codenamed "Project Daredevil" - is planned by the notorious black ninja gang. Acts of terrorism are performed to infiltrate the government's headquarters and hold its members hostage. The National Guard is helpless against the enemy. Their only hope is for the White Ninja to overcome the evil which has plagued the city."

Now if you're like me, that sounds pretty frickin sweet. and it only gets sweeter. I'm expecting to see ninjas engage in riveting battles throughout a ravaged city in an epic battle of good v. evil, with the white ninja (despite his inherent disadvantage in the camo department, being white and all) prevailing over the evil black ninja. I guess all i can do is make a list, otherwise i'd write for pages:

1. The 'white ninja' is actually the purple ninja gang.
2. The 'black ninja gang' is actually the yellow ninja gang.
3. The movie takes place nowhere near a city; in fact, most of it is in the jungle.
4. There are no 'government headquarters' in the movie, nor is anyone taken hostage. again, we're in the jungle.
5. There are no motorcycles in the movie. just on the cover. i was disappointed by this.
6. The 90 minute movie contains approx. 13 minutes of ninja action. the rest of the movie is about an army commander that kidnaps a peasant kid and essentially adopts him.

The only reason to believe that the synopsis was actually written for this movie was the 'Project Daredevil' reference. 'Project Daredevil' does in fact enter into the plot of the movie, but only by name. we're never really told what this sinister plan is meant to accomplish, only that its mastermind looks like a skinny(er) version of kevin bacon in the 80's.

The 'daredevil' mastermind is american. luckily, americans speak english. But, thanks to God and civil engineers, the Japanese generally don't. So, Ninja masters of Death originally had japanese dubbed over the english parts. then they re-dubbed everything back to english for the american version. all adding up to some sweet translations.


There's also a romantic sub-plot. Alfonso (not kidding. thats the name they came up with for the Japanese commander) falls in love with Susie (again, blatantly asian), and together they enjoy each other and taking care of Jimmy (the peasant kid). Now Alfonso has to go back to battle. he looks deeply into her eyes, moves his lips, and we hear, "Susie, i have to go back to battle". Shaken, with tears building in her eyes, she says, "but why?! why!??" He solemnly looks away, somewhat downcast, and replies, "its ninjas". Like any sane woman would, she accepts this answer as legitimate.

The one thing that ties the story together (kind of) is Jimmy. When he was a baby, the yellow ninja gang killed his father, who objected to the direction that the yellow ninja's were taking when his fearless leader declared, with fists upraised, 'NOW WE CAN MAKE SOME MONEY!!!" He wisely realized that this was contrary to the ninja code, and left the yellow ninja gang. His name was 'number 3'. So the yellow ninja gang goes after him, and, in my humble opinion, number three should've been named 'number 1', b/c he kicks some serious ninja tail. i won't go into details, but him and his wife end up getting creamed, and somehow baby Jimmy lives and becomes an effective peasant motivational speaker at the tender age of 8. (i promise i'm not making this up) So, in the end the yellow ninja gang suddenly decides they need to take revenge on Jimmy for his father's treachery (nevermind the fact that they've already killed Jimmys parents and made him an orphan/peasant). The purple ninja gang, led by a white guy that looks a lot like John Cusack, decides to protect Jimmy.
In the thrilling ninja conclusion (the last 6:23 of the movie), the ninja gangs square off. For literally three minutes, the action consists of the camera cutting to some trees/brush/grass, a powder bomb going off, and 3-7 ninjas jumping out from everywhere, and writhing on the ground. For three minutes. I think they killed off at least 50 ninjas. so then its just the bosses, THE yellow ninja vs. John Cusack, dressed as a purple ninja (who has used a safety pin prominently displayed just under his chin to hold the purple rag on his head). They start fighting. no one gains any ground. the yellow ninja produces a sai. this sai is also a flame thrower. purple ninja summons his ancestral ability to use his chi as a huge fire extinguisher. (convienent, i know) Yellow, realizing his predicament, freezes, wide eyed, then produces some throwing stars and chucks them and Johnny C. This doesn't faze our champion, who from nowhere (!!) produces a set of nunchucks. that also shoot roman candles.

he starts shooting candles at yellow. Here's the progression of screen shots:
1. produces nunchucks, shoots at yellow.
2. Yellow drops sai, looks stunned.
3. back to purple, keeps shooting roman candles.
4. to yellow. somehow two candles have attached themselves to his feet and he flies through the air.
5. to purple. keeps shooting candles.
6. to yellow. candles are now lifting up his entire body and slamming up and down on the ground.
7. to purple. keeps shooting candles.
8. to yellow. now completely engulfed in flames, he flies through the air. i believe this scene inspired the burning eagle in the movie 'Elizabethtown'.
9. to purple. stops shooting candles.
10. Yellow is now a smoldering pile of shiny yellow cloth. truly a shame, and unfortunate waste.
11. Satisfied, purple solemly places the nunchucks in his belt, and nods his approval, along with audible grunt.





the end.

A sense of forebodeing...

The other day, I was feeling especially motivated, most likely due to the fact that i fell asleep on my couch at 8 the night before. I decided to rent a movie and make some yellow curry, my new brand of experimentation at the local Thai restaurant. First off, at the video store, i couldn't really find anything i was excited about seeing, so i ended up renting a cheesy looking sci-fi flick that Jesse told me later had some of the lowest ratings he's seen (more on this later).

At the grocery store, i couldn't find anything with a recipe for yellow curry on the back, but i did find a pad thai mix, so i settled. It called for coconut milk, i got the low-fat coconut milk, b/c i figured my hips couldn't take that kind of a beating. I forgot to buy 3 cups of my "favorite veggies". Remember that. also, i decided to forego the fish sauce and replace it with the straight up salt that the recipe suggested.



Moving on to the homestead, i fire up the stove and begin to cook. After i start defrosting the chicken, i realize that the package says the noodles are supposed to soak in warm water for 30-45 minutes. I stopped defrosting the chicken. The noodle package, in my humble ignorant American opinion, was a bit obscure in its cooking recommendations, as it directed me to cook the noodles until they were "tender, but firm". Its like going to a gym and when the personal trainer asks you what you want out of this, you say, "i'd like to look trim, but still kinda fat please".

Fast forward 30 minutes. Apparently my water was more on the 'hot' side than 'warm', for at this point my noodles were tender, but definitely not firm. "Oh well" i say to myself, "i love pad thai, so i should be able to look past a soggy noodle." So i start sautéing the chicken and veggies. You might be wondering right now where i got the veggies. After digging through a couple inches of frost and 4 containers of ice cream with the gooey syrupy crap in the bottom, i managed to excavate a bag of stir fry veggies that i vaguely remember using about 8 months ago. They had since formed into a freezer-burned buffet of slightly shriveled vegetables, convienently held together in one solid chunk of ice. "what luck!" i exclaim silently. As i add everything into the pan that i just purchased (for 50% off!) i begin to realize that i've made far too much pad thai for even the most ambitious of single men to consume by themselves, so i gave tim a call to see if he and sara would want to come over and help me finish it. He didn't answer the phone, so i decided to partake of this delectable feast by myself.

Fast forward 5 minutes. For the third time in this single plate of "Pad Thai" (and yes, i use the quotes sarcastically), i find myself fighting off my gag reflex, wondering what went wrong. Low fat coconut milk? Lack of fish sauce? Freeze dried veggies? Overcooked noodles? Looking back, i realize now that i should've just turned away at the veggies, cut my losses and make some mac and cheese.

So as i struggle to keep this "food" down while scraping it into the garbage, i'm silently thankful that tim didn't answer his phone. The last time i officially invited them over for supper, i concocted a splendid combination of Ramen, ginger, green onion, garlic (sautéed in olive oil), and eggs. I was impressed with myself, and i could tell that they were as well, mainly from Sara's first reaction when she declared, "this looks terrible". Obviously i had a reputation to uphold.


Anyway, not to be denied my culinary achievement of excellence for the night, i had also purchased a gingerbread cake mix and was planning on making gingerbread cookies. This actually went quite smoothly. The box said i should've ended up with about 2 1/2 dozen cookies. I ended the night with 21, which isn't too bad considering the fact that no one was present to keep the cook accountable in the area of 'snitching', and that said cook hadn't exactly 'filled up' at dinner.

I moved into the living room to enjoy a vanilla cream and some more cookies. As i began to que the movie, i paused. In my mind, i envision my evening on a teeter totter of good and bad, with the morbidly obese pad thai preparing to launch the feather-weight victory of successful gingerbread cookies into the stratosphere. Could this movie balance the night? Could it turn the tide from a night of mediocrity to an enjoyable, nay, exquisite evening?

Short answer, no.

It turns out Jesse's reaction was pretty accurate. 'you saw the reviews for that, right?' No Jesse, i didn't. I find it necessary to bring you excerpts of my favorite review quotes:

-Crank your brain to its lowest possible idle and you'll still overthink Ultraviolet.

-Ultrastupid, ultra-incoherent, ultrasilly -- and way, way ultraboring

-Her sword is red, her eyes are blue, and her movie is horrible.

And my favorite:

-Ultraviolet will be studied with great interest in the future - not for its quality or its artistic merit, but rather to discover how a turd like this was made.

A couple of them brought up the term 'turd' and 'excrement'. It appeared to be a pretty common theme. After experiencing the movie myself (you don't 'watch' a movie like this) i can't say that i'm terribly surprised.

So, as my mind watches my gingerbread compatriot catapulted over the newly formed blob of Ultra-thai, i realize that even though my house smells awful, even though i'm still not quite full, and even though my IQ has dropped a full 16 points in the last 94 minutes, i've had quite an experience. If i couldn't laugh at it, i'd probably denounce sci-fi-thai nights. Thank goodness that didn't happen.

Sometimes i wish i was from Texas. Then i see this.

Let me start out by saying that the hick-tastic picture above is a copyrighted image of the Texas Bigfoot Research Center. For all i know, posting it here could be illegal, so if i get some kind of an offical condemnation or rebuke or figurative whoopin', i'll gladly remove it and replace it with some of my own artwork. Again, not my property. Be very very careful with downloading and distributing this image. I've seen these guys on the learning channel, and in complete seriousness, this is the most dedicated, disciplined, and well camouflaged group of middle aged, slightly overweight, mustache-weilding men and women you are likely to come across. On with the learning.

As stated before, i was first exposed to the Texas Bigfoot Reasearch Center (TBRC) last weekend while watching The Learning Channel (TLC), during a brief visit to Seattle, Washington (WA). Naturally the sight of some of the shirt-sleeve-challenged members of this great country patroling the Texas wilderness with cameras and night vision goggles inspired some cyber-investegation.

All obvious questions aside (where the crap did these guys get night vision goggles?), i decided to check out the website. These are real accounts, real people, and a very real nightmare. All quotes are taken directly from the reports verbatim.

Palestine, Texas. 1998. As the witness was on his way to go fishing, nature called. The witness "pulled over before (he) got to the lake to urinate." As he "began to take care of business", he heard something rustling in the woods that was "too heavy to be a dog". Later, he would describe to the professionally dispatched TBRC investegator that the specimen appeared to be "wide and thick."

Obviously this is a reliable account, as evidenced by the word 'urniate' (thats 'pee' for the layman). An ordinary man would use ordinary language, but here the witness deftly navigates the english language with the ease of a seasoned scholar. It is also apparent that the witness has omitted a certain amount of unecessary detail to avoid confusing the public, or leading the investegator down a cold trail. I think its safe to say the next time you see or hear anything that is "wide and thick" and or "too heavy to be a dog", record your surroundings and submit it to TBRC. You've just become the latest eyewitness to Bigfoot, and have become the envy of millions of NASCAR fans across the country.

Anyway, thats one small excerpt. These don't need any extra commentary to be funny. If and when you decide to embark on your own investegation, you may come across terms like 'skunk-ape', 'wooley booger', or 'Big Cypress Swamp Monster'. Don't be misled. This is Bigfoot, our reclusive relative, our hirsute hedge-dweller, our bearded brother. He deserves respect, honor, and probably some more flattering accounts of his presence. Be careful out there.

Thanks Google!

Because i'm a bit of a nerd, i was looking at the various pages that linked people over to my blog. The latest was a google search for "funny cussing" (8th down on the list, not bad!). Naturally i wanted to see what the internet defines as funny, so i clicked on one site, then proceeded to read about the latest missions fund drive campaign. i laughed, so i figured i'd share.

Here you go