An ode to a friend

Tim, dear Tim, you look like a fruit.
Wearing pink pants, to hide your patoot.
I'll never know, in all of my life,
how you tricked Sara to be your sweet wife.

You fart like an fog horn,
but strangly don't stink,
And monkeys and movies
consume what you think.

You once had a worm,
who hitched for a ride,
"DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT THING? IT WAS LIKE THIS. YOU TOOK IT LIKE A MAN"
Was how I replied.

And now you're in Europe
Spreading the Word,
So i love you my friend...
something something tird.

I'm not good at poetry, so i panicked on the last line. oh well.

Expanding my horizons

Every time i read a blog that has a fake conversation in it i laugh. an example:

me: what's that on your head?

unarmed stranger: excuse me?

me: your head. its got something on it.

embarrased pedestrian: really? where? what is it?

me: on your nose. i'm not sure what it is, but its shaped funny. kinda like a hammer head shark, only in a bikini.

confused citizen: ...

me: for real g. here's a mirror.

englightened converser: you moron, thats my nose.

me: no way. no person's got a nose like that. wait, let me refrase; no non-mutant has an beak like that.

enraged citizen (noticably more muscular than originally assesd): let me introduce you to my fist. it likes kissing faces of idiots. hard. and repeatedly.

Anyway, you get the idea. This is fun, so i'm gonna try one more.

Actually i'm not. I tried to start up a couple (Dennis Leary meets the purple teletubby, Dennis Leary meets Barney, Superman meets his banker) but i petered out after the first line. this is hard work. hard work i'll save for another day.

things that make you say, "what the?"

Warning: While i don't swear or anything like that, this entry may be slightly more crude than usual. I blame it on work related stress.

Here's the unfortunate acronym of the day: IBS. Most commonly (i think) linked to the International Bible Society, an organization whose mission is to "faithfully translate and reach out with God's Word so that people around the world may become disciples of Jesus Christ and members of His Body." Their website is www.ibs.org. Now if you were to run a google search on ibs, you'd most likely see a home remedy for irratable bowel syndrome, an affliction that a friend of mine is currently "experiencing."

Point of Sale machines (POS) is another one that gets me. I won't go into details.

Now i pose the question to myself, "if you could be a fly on the wall anywhere at any time, where and when would you choose to be it?" Easy. I'd be on the wall when the first guy (or girl for the PC crowd) walked into the boardroom full of investors and pitched the idea of a revolutionary product that would make millions and be on the tips of everyones tounge with a catchy acronym like POS. At the very least I would expect one guy in the corner give a chuckle, which would probably draw the glare of the 72 year old CEO who'd never had the good pleasure of using or being around this coloful phrase, to which the chuckler would respond by suddenly look interested in the graph of POS machines to people and profit, nodding every once in a while for effect. All the while thinking of how he's going to have to update his resume so he won't have to face his friends at the pub when he tells them he sells POS machines. (The dude the works for KIA won't laugh though, he'll sympathize. but thats another story)

And to this day, companies like Ameri-POS are still in business. Why? So 25 year olds who still laugh at poop jokes and male models will smile when they grace my television with their ad. Thank you Ameri-POS.